bedtime stories from the monkey house

need more wine

2012-01-24T00:02:00.000-05:00

he's not the boy i used to know
(not that i ever knew him, apparently)

charismatic, naive, passionate, restless
i wish i could have stopped him from falling down the hole...

you are about to throw away this message without sending it

2012-01-22T00:35:00.000-05:00

wish i knew what you were looking for

interesting

2012-01-21T01:57:00.000-05:00

i still have no idea what is going on

yesterday: why do you come here?

today: it's always the same
(thank you ms. etta james)

i am always right

2012-01-13T01:27:00.000-05:00

apparently when i was sixteen or seventeen i prophesied that i would end up living "alone with my dogs and my vcr"

turns out it was cats and a laptop (actually, i still own four vcrs...for work...but i digress)

"some girls are better for weirdos than others"

2012-01-12T01:13:00.000-05:00

insight like that is what best friends are for

ebb and flow

2011-12-22T01:33:00.000-05:00

i always thought this should have been 'our' song but then it wasn't him so of course it wasn't...

and all the roads we have to walk are winding...

i was walking along minding my own business and there he was...

2011-12-16T01:57:00.001-05:00

no cavities
no more words
no patience
no more strangers
no contact
no more misunderstandings
no waiting
no more games

less than zero expectations...

gloworm

2011-12-06T00:43:00.000-05:00

i went online and i met a boy and after about five days of talking to him i realized that he is a boy i slept with more than two decades ago (he looks different now). it took a bit of time and the safety of darkness for him to recognize me back. our fingers touched when he passed me his smoke, then he offered me a drive to the subway and suggested we should go for coffee again soon. he likes my sweater and he likes my hair and he is the most beautiful boy i have ever seen. we should be having big conversations so small talk is hard. this is a new kind of puzzle, as old as this scene goes.

recalibrating...

run to you

2011-12-01T00:39:00.000-05:00

if you love someone, set him free...

outside forever

2011-11-16T02:01:00.000-05:00

batting zero (three strikes) on the dudes from upstate new york here...
let's purge my head of songs and pictures and dreams

radio silence

2011-11-15T01:22:00.000-05:00

young folks, indeed...

two am traffic jam

2011-11-12T03:43:00.001-05:00

remember

speak easy

2011-11-11T03:59:00.002-05:00

gotta be by myself
(can't find the link...bartender did something to my drink...)
ah, america...

timekeeper

2011-11-10T02:21:00.000-05:00

dirt mother

2011-10-31T00:55:00.001-04:00

We spent today in fiery undertow
Swirling air and billows of smoke and your breath...
Red
Kiss me on the lips in greeting
"And then came the rain"

A unicorn floats between worlds
I stare at the back of your neck
Only a woman understands the nature of your drive
Sink, deep

I see who sees this truth
I see who hides
I see myself as your heartbreak slips magically through our hands
Going nowhere...

Shake my head, yes...
(too tired for this fight)
I come home and fall into a heavy, black sleep

pretty girl dress

2011-10-15T01:11:00.000-04:00

met a kid like yours today
on the occasion of this french photographer's fascination
no words
i described you as my secret lover
there's that look of recognition that passes over their eyes
it gives everything away
it's all that i can do...

i wanted to send him this song but the rules have changed...

"stay out of my dreams"

2011-10-02T02:13:00.002-04:00

his friend does not sparkle.

adonis in blue

2011-09-16T00:54:00.001-04:00

last night i listened to evil doing lines over the phone
and when he sighed and said my name
i realized he left me behind to save me
he loves me, he loves me not...he loved me.

next, a message and a vision in my dreams
"don't give up on me just yet"
doorways and openings
i thought it was the drummer but realized later it may have been the sailor,
when a new one appeared to me as both (but only as symbol, let's be realistic)
she asked if i was still writing and then tried to hook me up with her perfect much younger son
if only i'd known at twenty-six what i know now...

tonight is the night i pick a fight with the gods
i thought that, but then he remembered me and there was no longer any need...
content (at last) to spin endlessly around this moon
such a shame they choose to turn down the volume lest her song pierce their souls

enfin

2011-09-02T03:11:00.002-04:00

sometimes, it's just over

dear men...

2011-08-17T00:17:00.000-04:00

flattery will get you everywhere. just sayin'.

news of the day:

- just spent hundreds of dollars on computer parts i only half understand because the dude i used to babysit when he was a kid told me to. (don't worry, he's a grownup professional now and he's going to do magic with them...but holy lesson in trust/faith/not being a control freak for a change).

- thoughts on age - all the guys my age are a mess, locked in histories in their heads (or because of their kids) with the girls they used to love. it's boring and tiring. how hard is it to be polite and/or grow a pair to just say you're not into me/it/this? musicians are the worst, the lot of them.

- older men, on the other hand, will buy you dinner and tell you you're pretty and send you funny stories and pictures of camels from their travels.

- (where is my middle?)

- wondering whether it would be more fun to go to sedona with a lawyer or a lighting designer...

- my cats really like potatoes and bathtubs and falling asleep in my arms (but only in the morning).

- feminist jungian psychology will save my sanity. everything can be explained, all you have to do is walk into the used book store and look on the right shelf on the right day. thank you fate and curiosity...i'm off to talk to my dreams.

always already

2011-08-03T02:17:00.000-04:00

*emo alert*

it has been about a year now since the last time my heart got ripped out of my chest, thrown on the ground (still beating), and stomped on (repeatedly).

ah, memories...

home alone

2011-08-02T02:29:00.001-04:00

one day i am just going to turn into an ice cream cone and float away

sangria

2011-08-01T03:25:00.001-04:00

you know sometimes when you think you might be imagining things but then you go back and read again and you realize you weren't, and that somehow makes it worse than if it had all been in your head?

a true test of friendship and you know he fails...i knew deep down all along, with all of them. this one's no different. i will refrain and i will pray that's enough.

spend a day cleaning suddenly it's not so bad. more to do but at least the train has left the station. (choose my metaphor...)

my thighs got huge when i wasn't looking...abandon all hope for now, and hope there's still time by the time i find time to make it go away. for now, cheap fruity wine and off to bed. maybe the almost dreams of late will cave and give me the answers i need.

in over my....

2011-07-29T00:29:00.000-04:00

head (over heels)

le sigh

2011-07-28T00:30:00.002-04:00

wordless ocean

2011-07-20T01:33:00.000-04:00

inverted inner spaces
expelling desire
blues and greens and yellows in an hourglass twist
sitting at my heart

as you wish

2011-07-19T00:44:00.000-04:00

hold my hand and
say you're sorry (because boys don't cry...)
there are lots more things that have been like this as long as i can remember

lost inside my head

2011-07-13T01:23:00.000-04:00

not the safest way to walk home alone in the dark

my new goal in life: one day i will play the nerdy board game against the family of geniuses (genii?) and i will win

angel

2011-07-07T00:54:00.000-04:00

i must have died alone, a long long time ago...

receive

2011-07-06T00:16:00.000-04:00

tonight on the way home from yoga there was a woman outside the local college jock drunkard bar playing debussy on an ancient upright piano parked in the middle of the sidewalk.

sometimes i'm not sure the things i see are real.

buddhist garden

2011-06-29T01:02:00.001-04:00

now i am working on making peace with my front side

sunburn

2011-06-27T01:53:00.001-04:00

spent all afternoon wandering the city talking about art with a tall dark handsome intelligent british stranger...

little punk

2011-06-22T00:51:00.001-04:00

my cat ate a condom
$300 vet bill...

solar plexus

2011-06-19T05:00:00.000-04:00

yellow healing
been holding it down for as long as i can remember
taut in front, long in back
reverse (the) gifts...
for her birthday, she helped me find the golden chain
ironically, the prescription is to dance
(not yet, but as soon as it all settles...)

first
recalibrate the judges
(feels like fromage, performing my witch side for you)
fire
will
power
sight
dreams

message in a bottle

2011-06-17T00:14:00.000-04:00

don't you think it's time i let you know...

yogurt

2011-06-15T00:35:00.002-04:00

today was the day i saw the moth that looked like a frog
and made peace with my right side

balance...
she saw it happen
"all of this and more is for you"
(that's a prince song)

never not broken
but it's all okay
little girl cat feels this moon too

bread machine

2011-06-14T02:02:00.001-04:00

i was home long enough yesterday to open my windows for the first time in my kittens' lives...they stand alert, still...dogs and birds and trees and the world...this fresh air becomes a symbol, as does the funny round robin i've seen twice now - do birds get pregnant or is it possible for them to simply get fat? i know so little about how it all works. i have a photo but no time...though my sleep will be plagued (she hopes) by more of the morning after insomnia dreams that came today. fourteen years ago yesterday i signed up for the fairytale. now there are pictures and debt to prove i was there...still waiting, but as they say when i'm wandering the aisles of the grocery store late at night...the future's open wide...he asked for the key, that's a start.

toothpaste

2011-06-10T01:53:00.002-04:00

kitten cuddles
my head hurts
sleep

it all just feels like yesterday

2011-06-09T00:35:00.001-04:00

happy birthday to me

shadow

2011-06-07T02:46:00.000-04:00

sky blue castle sandwich...
and cake

ponder
celebrate
teach
discuss amongst ourselves
rinse and repeat, though not necessarily in that order
never forget that i'm that girl

eaten alive
an embarrassment of riches
i can't formulate a single thought while he's watching

taxi to heaven

2011-06-05T02:11:00.000-04:00

I had a lot of dates but I decided to stay home and dye my eyebrows.
- Andy Warhol

new game

2011-05-24T01:20:00.000-04:00

from now on, whatever song i wake up to is a sign from the universe
"uh oh"...

weirdly charming smile

2011-05-23T02:31:00.000-04:00

i went on dates with two (very) different lawyers this weekend.

that impending apocalypse should be starting anytime now...

lawyer number one

2011-05-21T02:08:00.000-04:00

there's a whole other world out there. i wish i'd known sooner.

cameo

2011-05-20T02:43:00.000-04:00

silly girl

2011-04-16T01:14:00.000-04:00

tired of being happy to be sad
but it seems the odds are against me

"The show is over, the Monkey is dead."
- Tennessee Williams

diamonds on the water

2011-04-03T01:14:00.002-04:00

twin flames

2011-04-01T02:15:00.000-04:00

She insisted on finding something lovable in this deeply unlovable person and a ruined soul responds to love in the only inevitable way it can — it reciprocates, and a soul gets stitched back together and a human being gets reconstructed in the process...
- Bob Geldof

beet stained hands

2011-03-30T03:45:00.001-04:00

it's all a mystery to me

sometimes there are things you don't want to be true but they just are

sometimes you have to stick around too long to find that out

sometimes you shake your head and wonder why people go to the trouble of lying when there's not even a pot of gold at the end of their proverbial rainbow

sometimes you wonder why desire and ego are always stronger than knowing deep in your gut

an everything revealed to be so much of a nothing it doesn't even seem worth saying goodbye

"You told me about nowhere well it sounds like someplace I'd like to go..."

listen

2011-03-23T02:27:00.000-04:00

that was some moon...
my hands, my eyes are dry
so tired
too tired to try and figure any of it out

black spring

2011-03-14T00:54:00.001-04:00

not mine

we both collect scraps of mad genius and save it for later

one day...

do you know i do this too?
you must

i said what i said about signs but then this morning a man with a wolf backpack
(who has ever heard of such a thing?) in a suit went tap dancing down the street
til he disappeared under the bridge and vanished from my sight

clearly he was trained
and out of his mind
(or lost inside it)

joy in glimmers and wishes and memories
spun

grey

2011-03-12T00:55:00.001-05:00

thinking so much tonight about how we say nothing because otherwise we'd have to say everything

he says they're only interested because i represent danger and escape
i guess the one who figures out i'm the opposite, wins
(or loses...depending on the ring on his finger)
we all felt it tonight...
"sadness lives in the bones of our hands"

fight the urge to make him the only one in the room

forget,
return,
disappear,
wait

care enough not to care

2011-03-11T01:57:00.000-05:00

it wasn't such a bad day after all
one never knows
i hold my tongue and maybe the tides shift in my favour

should i be insulted that one of the others thinks i should hook up with fat, ugly, old men?
smart and sensitive isn't enough
can he rip an apple in half with his bare hands?

plagued by visions of the son i will never have
expensive wine masks this sadness
i am able to laugh today

if he ever knew me at all he'd know that was my way of saying goodbye

if I could start again...

2011-03-07T02:44:00.000-05:00

after several years of close observation, i have come to recognize the following pattern regarding the characteristics of all men who become interested in me:
- substance abuse issues
- mentally ill
- still in love with the woman who broke his heart, even if he doesn't have one
- has already had his kids and/or is determined not to have any (more)

i almost asked you last night
what i should have done instead...

i can see the train wreck coming again
a million miles away

i have to stop reading the signs because people call me crazy when i do
especially when they're the ones who put them out

i'm feeling the need to apologize to all kinds of people who have done me wrong

hypocrite
words have meaning
except when i don't want them to

it's better when there are no mirrors
i really do prefer to be alone...
except when it gets lonely

mercy

2011-02-25T01:10:00.000-05:00

i'm just a lost little monkey in a world full of mixed messages
at least the dancing 'round here is good

full moon, crazy wind

2011-02-19T03:15:00.002-05:00

i am so tired of being the other woman

innocent...

2011-02-15T00:37:00.000-05:00

at least when we dream, right friend?

i just wanted it all to be true.

you never think you're one for treason.
- matt good

snow queen

2011-02-14T00:10:00.000-05:00

that was his advice

he wanted me to be sure i knew that valentine's day had nothing to do with him calling

truth sinks in, slowly, finally...

night caps are supposed to be social events

do a little dance

2011-02-13T02:38:00.000-05:00

i don't believe in magic anymore
that probably sounds stupid, but it's a fundamental shift in my point of view
miracles used to fill in the gaps where my faith in people failed

i gambled and i lost

time for the dream factory...

tired (edit)

2011-02-12T00:31:00.002-05:00

shit comes around.

i lost mine today. i'm not sure if i will find it again.

at last there is nothing left to say

2011-02-06T00:05:00.002-05:00

yeah, you

happy fucking valentine's day (early, of course)

red book

2011-01-22T02:40:00.000-05:00

green shirt, grey hair, wedding ring...
catch him looking
catch his eye
he lingers behind after his blonde leaves his side to seek out the gay father / star
too bad, i thought (and toyed with the idea of saying it aloud)

passing through the little park on the corner
(reprise)
all the good ones are taken, i said
(stop to write it all down now and i freeze)

this, always...
i remind you of the girl who broke your heart
(fall, and wonder)
she doesn't deserve you
and somehow, i do - for better and worse

(not) broken, still
i need to do one thing each week that grounds me
active adventure fantasy
the kids, the calm, the love
i write
and one day i will paint
i might even dance again...

maybe
this will become my journal about the end of a particular kind of hope
and the beginning of my search for another
soul, voice, self

not dead yet

2011-01-20T01:53:00.000-05:00

drummers and photographers will be the end of me
(thank god for biceps!)

There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time.
- Avenue Q

sleep

2010-12-09T00:12:00.002-05:00

new

2010-12-04T01:29:00.002-05:00

he sent me a love song in a language i barely understand...
at least, i think he did

angry rant to the universe

2010-11-30T00:57:00.000-05:00

1.
went to the ocean this summer
to get used as the object of a revenge fantasy
(obviously i did not know this part of the plan)
a woman abandons her children, anger ensues
this much i understand
i gave my broken heart to the cause...
and while he drank himself numb
i put food in the mouths of his little ones
because tiny friends should not have to feel our grown-up pain

the other day,
his well-meaning brother blindsided me with an unsolicited call to arms
against a deadbeat mother...
i looked at the image of her face
i remembered his
i pushed away memories of small blond smiles and skinny, happy hugs
then
i thought of groceries and mountains of cider cans and violent silence
and
i declined.

i already paid at the door
i cannot save any of them
he made that clear

2.
found an interesting and cute guy on the book of faces
friend of a friend, the way these things go now
overcame my shyness (it's easier in writing)
introduced myself
he wrote back, once
(maybe i've now blown it by being too intense and curious right away, i forget this freaks people out even though it's harmless and they don't know yet how bored i'll soon be)
waited until he returned from afar to log in...

his first new friend after me?
the girl my asperger's ex dumped me for
we all live on opposite corners of the continent
same world, yes, but still too small...

sigh.

you can't make this shit up.

rum toffee craving

2010-11-23T02:46:00.000-05:00

i simply can't stand it when people eat smelly hot dogs in enclosed public spaces

made a pact with myself to try and start noting beauty here too...
(fail)
it mostly lives in pictures i record in my head (i'm not a good enough photographer to catch stuff like the full moon reflecting all navy and white and shimmery off the metal roof of the secret tennis court building as i walk down the alley with my arms full of groceries...)

it may be too late
or vodka just makes me more hard-hearted than wine

aftertaste

2010-11-20T00:36:00.000-05:00

tried gorgonzola for the first time today
it was okay

the rest isn't even worth talking about anymore

obsessed

2010-11-19T02:08:00.001-05:00

chatted at a bar with a civil rights activist who sued the american government and won
picked up yet another married man
gathered an unsolicited phd invitation

"hey miss, drive you home? it's cold outside" called the pimp with the sparkle-toothed grin...

walk fast, head down, purse clutched

skirt and boots and brains like these
i should be coming home to better than this

now there is this distance

2010-11-12T00:55:00.000-05:00

last night i went to the suburbs to eat vietnamese food with my ex and his dad

today
fill my eyes with candy
and my ears with talk of fairies

i guess i ought to walk away

admissions and confessions

2010-11-11T01:04:00.001-05:00

infected...

surrender

2010-11-09T03:29:00.000-05:00

i spent all afternoon trying to figure out what the time signature is for this song
i want a pair of ankle boots

beyond...

2010-11-05T00:07:00.002-04:00

kittens and pie

2010-10-27T01:22:00.000-04:00

mercury and venus in gemini during scorpio on a full moon

i don't know what's worse, waiting for a man to call and eventually realizing he's never going to even though he should, or having one promise to call and then ending the day disappointed

my roommate said something very astute tonight while I was waiting for the phone to ring
people don't want to be saved, they want to be witnessed saving themselves
this changes everything.

i will go to bed and try to sleep
no pondering - we're all just so tired of being sad
witness

i'd rather just read a book about it

2010-10-21T02:13:00.000-04:00

"And it would reshape the life of that princess who had given up the world for the moon, who yearned desperately to make love stay."
- Tom Robbins

***

his mom told me she'd love to have me as a daughter
then she told me she saw his father in him,
and she told me to run

then she sat his child in my lap,
and played me this song

dismissed

2010-10-20T01:25:00.000-04:00

i'm trying to learn this fine line between letting things go and insisting that people in my life be accountable for actions that cause me distress

unrelated, i have had this song stuck in my head for days
(turn it up)

"still fragile"

2010-10-15T00:40:00.000-04:00

my eyes to go the dark pretty man hiding in the shadows
*blink*
he comes and sits next to me
nervous, i am clumsy and hit him with my bag
i apologize
he responds
he is not from this place
*blink*
i babble
he stands up
walks down the stairs
and onto the stage
he takes off his clothes
then he dances for me

later my friend dances with him
i watch
we smoke
we go home

pretend this is the jimmy scott version...

puncture wound in my chest

2010-10-14T01:19:00.001-04:00

they always find their way home

unicorns

2010-10-11T03:36:00.001-04:00

i wish he had been real
i'm done with him wishing i was someone else

theme song

2010-10-03T03:06:00.000-04:00

backpedaling aside...
if he's allowed to flirt, i'm allowed to imagine that he means it

married men are the bane of my existence

2010-10-02T00:36:00.000-04:00

I am an honest man
From where the palm tree grows
And before dying I want
To share the verses of my soul.

flirty little twenty-one year old decided it was a good idea to put his arms around my waist and press his body into mine while we were having a group photo taken at work today.

f.
m.
l.

"awesome but deceivingly so"

2010-10-01T02:46:00.000-04:00

this evening while we were at the circus he told me that if i don't meet my true love this year, we can get married...in three years. maybe by then he'll be fifteen years older and straight.

the alternative pretend new prospect is all lou reed and cocteau twins...and married.

one day, some day...
at least it's not boring around here

tomorrow i will go to the funeral of a famous actress

2010-09-29T03:04:00.001-04:00

walking backwards,
running and shouting at the top of her lungs...

last night lying in bed my breath released. i don't know how else to describe it. i have had diaphragm spasms since i was a kid...maybe last night was the first time i didn't. there was air in there. space. light, just like my yoga teacher talks about. not holding on, to what, with what? it was in that moment that i realized he was never there and now he's gone.

i'm all over the place tonight.

flash of a mad genius crush i once had. we made a movie about two little children lost in the woods but it was really the two of us found, smoking and talking about metaphysics and sensory deprivation in his fruit-fly infested workshop. accolades and awards and years later, he has a fancy new studio and a nomination for a giant prize...the stakes have increased drastically as has the apparentness (that's not a word) of his insanity and his inability to function as a social creature - a balance of tension (his words) - the line between what it is and what it never was but might have been...

my heart hasn't been in it
and now, yesterday's news
everyone needs their evil twin
i can't have mine so i brought her hers
two little shadows
water sprites, to my surprise

i took this picture last week,
trying to catch the full moon and jupiter lined up perfectly in the night sky
(i had to leave before it was done)
no matter how satisfying
i guess some things are not meant to be had
the trick is to see what you have left,
made special by what you have lost

at least i know he heard me
sorry appeared, and it helps
but it's what he doesn't say that kills me
ironic
it's his voice that stole my heart

the change of season is upon us

i like the idea that maybe this is the bonus round, not a frozen bloom

board of directors

2010-09-19T01:07:00.000-04:00

it doesn't matter how much knowledge and self-respect and power and poetry you have
sometimes when your heart hurts
the only thing to do is go to bed

hopefully the kamikaze kitten will stop launching herself at the mirrored closet doors and i will get some sleep

voluntary psychosis

2010-09-18T03:07:00.000-04:00

i figured it out
the reason i always date alcoholics
is because men only tell me they love me when they're drunk

fearless

2010-09-15T02:29:00.002-04:00

(my cat, not me)
nevertheless,
i will dream him tonight

hey midnight

2010-09-09T02:51:00.000-04:00

i'm now officially the crazy single old lady who lives alone with her cat

"our love was too intense"

2010-09-03T02:00:00.001-04:00

"And in the grand scheme of things, you'll look back years from now and I'll just be a girl you knew in high school."
(my ode to 90210 on this special day)

sometimes it is simply better to keep things to yourself
(like the unintentionally dirty and very juvenile poem about the cocky anthropologist that just popped into my head)

sometimes i am way too clever for my own good

weiner

2010-09-01T02:37:00.000-04:00

it's only kinda what you think
oh, the things we don't know we're repeating...

he didn't want me to write about him so i wrote to him but
he didn't like that either

break, lest anyone think this is about him
it's never about just one, for any of us

not sure who he really is
never knew
won't ever

think of spinning
think of little blond eyelashes glistening in the sun
close my own eyes and listen to him sing about shadows and light
think of ecstasy written on his face
pray that when it's time to trust the universe again
i'll know

yesterday and today i spent trying to learn to not care
then...
surround myself with allies
and shift

new life attitude, practice, presence
everything like it's the last time
when the bad things happen it might never be again
(that's hope)
and the good parts, well, they disappear too
(one day you're talking to your best friend, next thing you know it's over...how has that even happened to me more than once?)

marked by that ocean sun
now i have a tan and it makes me feel dirty
whatever, i have no pride...and pride is for the wicked, anyway

i will stop falling in love with sociopaths, i will stop falling in love with sociopaths, i will stop falling in love with sociopaths...

it is easier to breathe when you are not holding your breath (amazing, i know)

broken
silence
and dreams of roses...

this is the way the world ends
once upon

Deep, old magic of the dark,
Warrior balance of the light,
Teach that evil lies within,
Never in the day or night.

double bill

2010-08-27T02:55:00.000-04:00

metric in my head these days
this one has a happy ending

emotional retardation

2010-08-26T02:58:00.000-04:00

this is the raven
standing in the abyss in the brightest of sunshine
earth, water
the scent of the depths

i keep everything so i won't forget

2010-08-21T00:53:00.000-04:00

and so i have proof i'm not crazy when it becomes a question

lost

2010-08-19T01:12:00.001-04:00

fodder

2010-07-20T00:24:00.000-04:00

actually, i prefer it when i have nothing to write about here in my sad little emo blog
(but i'm here now...is that meta?)

we will plant a garden

2010-07-16T23:40:00.000-04:00

have you ever noticed i only write here when i'm sad?
(but not today)

daylight mourning

2010-07-01T00:55:00.000-04:00

a lady in mismatched pink tie-dye
black velvet sweater wrapped around her waist
sitting, then wandering up and down the subway car
nose and lips pressed hard
into a bouquet of bright salmon roses and baby's breath
hair bleached
head hung
shoulders slumped
eyes glazed
stand and stare into space
going nowhere,
thinking of whom?

i love warm wind and the smell of fresh-cut grass

2010-06-29T03:21:00.000-04:00

this weekend, my city turned into a police-state
i know lots of people who have seen worse, who have lived this everyday
that's why my grandparents came here, to get away from it -
it's not supposed to happen here.
there is a lesson in this about being naive and idealistic...
you get fucked.
i vote
i've tried writing letters and signing petitions...
it doesn't work.
the big bad greedy selfish men always win
my love life concurs
the only sensible plan is to avoid bringing any more small humans into this world
we'll call my failure a conscious contribution to society.
one day the planet will be happier without us here
i will pray that i'm gone before someone blows us all up
spin my hope
and hide my tears

full moon, broken heart

2010-06-26T05:04:00.000-04:00

it's all finally done, the path is clear...

faith breakdown

2010-06-22T00:31:00.000-04:00

a stack of symbols
mark this day...
start with a bathtub full of shit,
(stewing)
go out into the world smelling like a homeless person
(intimate knowledge)
cut off before i begin to spin my web
(under the influence)
called in for a chat
(i unload too much and no longer care)
reminded that he likes his women crazy
(play house but don't bother beyond those walls)
shattered and concealed
(the form begins to reveal itself)
less bound, double your money and run
(jealous)
i have put my faith in all the wrong places
(is this it again?)
an urge to drink, to fuck, to hide
(i had a feeling he was there)

when does the truth get trumped by fear?
always, this is my reality.

return to neutral
squish it down
no idea which way to go next
ironically, the opposite of instinct seems obvious
second guess
stall
stare
(hope)
sleep

dinosaurs

2010-06-09T01:16:00.001-04:00

you know you're in trouble when you start reading his horoscope